Little Known Facts from the Old School

May 28th, 2010 No comments

Kirk ‘Milk Dee’ Robinson of the Bklyn duo Audio Two was actually a quarter Jewish on his mother’s side. So when he busted up a party, he’d feel a LITTLE guilt…

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Confessions of a Dork

April 21st, 2010 No comments

I auditioned for a spot with the House of Pain once. Sadly, I didn’t make the cut – apparently when the girl steps up after an ass-serving, it’s not enough to firmly but politely tell her to mind her own business.

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Heed Well, the Lesson of the Nature Boy…

April 17th, 2010 No comments

Looking at him now, I don’t think Ric Flair so much jumped the shark, as he did climb on top of the shark, and then wait for Dusty Rhodes Magnum TA Ronnie Garvin Barry Windham Nikita Koloff Ricky Steamboat Sting to throw him off.

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Best Advice I’ve Ever Gotten…

April 3rd, 2010 No comments

It’s probably a good idea, for any situation you enter, to keep the worst case scenario in the back of your mind. So when you’re chatting up that looker at the bar, ask yourself: can y’picture raising a kid with’em?

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Thought for the day…

March 31st, 2010 No comments

It’s not the first hitchhiker that’s the problem. It’s the last one…

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Dragon Age: Awakenings…

March 27th, 2010 No comments

Or whatever the hell it’s called.

I have a serious fundamental problem with this thing, mostly with calling it an expansion.

Based on the choices I made while playing the actual game, my character died, so, how in the flying blue monkey fuck am I supposed to participate in an “expansion” set after the events of the main game? I doubt I get to play as a zombie, cause that would actually be awesome.

Oh, I can start a new character, guess what, I don’t need to pay Bioware more money to do that, I can do that just fine with the game I already purchased, turns out I can make asstons of characters and play the game over and over.

It’s not an expansion, its a fucking sequel.

If set after original story, then sequel. It’s not complicated.

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When A Picture’s Worth Thirteen Words

March 16th, 2010 No comments

bus

I think this is what Bill Hicks meant when he said, “By the way, anybody here who is in marketing or advertising: kill yourself.” 

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The Definition of Perspective

March 9th, 2010 No comments

Consider that EVERYTHING that human societies have ever been founded upon can be boiled down to one essential premise: “cuz some guy said so.”

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My script for Iron Man 2

March 8th, 2010 No comments

Tony Stark walks into his lab, completely drunk off of his ass and climbs into his Iron Man suit. Unfortunately for Tony the suit has been implemented with a state mandated breathalyzer that he must pass before it will power up. Tony gives it a shot despite being four sheets to the wind, which subsequently “kills” the power to the suit completely as a result of him failing the breathalyzer horribly, thus stopping his heart and killing him dead.

From off camera comes Captain America. “Remember kids, Captain America doesn’t drink and drive and neither should you.” *muttering to himself* “Registration act my star spangled ass.”

This PSA brought to you by your friends at S.H.I.E.L.D

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If I could be serious for a minute…

January 8th, 2010 1 comment

Before you read this: Please don’t judge me… I’m just sharing my story because people asked… Wow… okay, I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to tell anyone about this, but it’s late and I’m sleep deprived so i guess I’ll just write it now and regret it in the morning :/ First of all, – just for some background: My mom died right when I was born, (she was actually really, really hot- but this isn’t about her. I guess that’s fucked up to say, but whatever.) I actually grew up with my dad’s family, because my dad has all sorts of emotional issues and he bailed before I was born. So you can see, my childhood was really kind of messed up. Anyways, growing up I feel like there was always a lot of distance between me and my sister.

When I was about 17 or 18 I first noticed that my sister was a hottie. I don’t want to go into too many details about it, but basically what happened is that I accidentally found a video that she made of herself. I knew she didn’t make it for me- but I thought she was so fucking beautiful that I watched it twice. I probably would have watched it a hell of a lot more, except that like right around the time I found the video, all this crazy shit went down and I had to leave home. (My dad’s family who I was staying with got in bad trouble with the law. I never talk about it). Sooo… I was totally lusting after my sister at that point. She was also having bad trouble with the law. She was actually in custody when I left home. My friend and I went to go pick her up. When I saw her that day, after seeing the video, I have to be honest, I just wanted to fuck her brains out. Looking back on it now, it’s pretty messed up- but I think she had feelings for me too. She actually kissed me right after we came to get her… and it wasn’t a sisterly kiss, you know? I mean, it wasn’t like ridiculously sexual or anything, but it definitely wasn’t sisterly. After we left, we all went to crash with my Sister’s friends.

On the trip there, my friend sort of implied that he wanted to get with my Sister, and I got a little jealous. He’s a good looking guy- and even though she was my sister- I just felt like he was competition. Not much else happened between us for a while except some maybe-sexy hugging. Pretty much everyone in my life at that point was wanted by the government, so we all moved around a lot. I’m not saying that I’m proud of it or anything, but it was kind of an awesome time. My friend and my sister never hooked up I don’t think- but I thought there was some serious sexual tension going on between them. It was around that time that I got really badly hurt in an accident. It was fucked up. I almost died. But when I was in recovery my sister came to see me, and out of the clear blue sky she started gives me this awesome, slow, passionate kiss on the lips. Sadly (although, I guess for the best) nothing ever came of it. We spent some time apart… and I started to get really religious, so I tried not to think of her that way.

It was actually going well for a long time- like I was totally over her. But I have to say, like a year or so after all that stuff went down, we were out sailing (not like a date or anything romantic like that), and she was wearing like the hottest bikini I’ve ever fucking seen and it brought back all the old feelings. Sigh. A little while later she actually wound up with my friend from before (the sexual tension guy). I can’t say I was surprised.

But even after she was shacking up with my friend, there was one time we were at a party… my friend was inside, and my sister and I were outside alone. It was a really intimate moment. I think something might have happened, except that I killed the mood when I told her that Darth Vader was our father and that I had to go face him.

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