Don’t try to be everything to your partner – you won’t succeed. The only thing you can do is continue to project those qualities that attracted them in the first place…

…while completely ruining those things they like, that you can’t pull off. 

Girls: He won’t get over that crush on Pamela Anderson? No problem - record yourself giving him Hepatitis, and then put it on the web.

Guys: She says she likes a man in uniform, but that’s not your thing? No problem – wait til she’s just falling asleep, dress up like a Marine and shit on her chest.

You’re welcome.

So, they cast a black dude, to play a Norse god that Norse saga refers to as “The White God”. Which is just bizarre enough but…

Just cause Iron Man got a black sidekick doesn’t mean Thor needs one too. And really, hes the gatekeeper for Asgard. Why’s the black guy gotta be cast as the doorman. I’m just sayin’…

I auditioned for a spot with the House of Pain once. Sadly, I didn’t make the cut – apparently when the girl steps up after an ass-serving, it’s not enough to firmly but politely tell her to mind her own business.

Looking at him now, I don’t think Ric Flair so much jumped the shark, as he did climb on top of the shark, and then wait for Dusty Rhodes Magnum TA Ronnie Garvin Barry Windham Nikita Koloff Ricky Steamboat Sting to throw him off.

It’s probably a good idea, for any situation you enter, to keep the worst case scenario in the back of your mind. So when you’re chatting up that looker at the bar, ask yourself: can y’picture raising a kid with’em?

It’s not the first hitchhiker that’s the problem. It’s the last one…

Or whatever the hell it’s called.

I have a serious fundamental problem with this thing, mostly with calling it an expansion.

Based on the choices I made while playing the actual game, my character died, so, how in the flying blue monkey fuck am I supposed to participate in an “expansion” set after the events of the main game? I doubt I get to play as a zombie, cause that would actually be awesome.

Oh, I can start a new character, guess what, I don’t need to pay Bioware more money to do that, I can do that just fine with the game I already purchased, turns out I can make asstons of characters and play the game over and over.

It’s not an expansion, its a fucking sequel.

If set after original story, then sequel. It’s not complicated.

I think this is what Bill Hicks meant when he said, “By the way, anybody here who is in marketing or advertising: kill yourself.” 

I just learned what vaginismus is – sounds a lot like what I picture when a fussy baby refuses to eat. ‘Cept, you know…down there.

THINGS I MISS: The old Playland arcades off Times Square. THINGS I DO NOT MISS: The Asian hustler kids who used to haunt the old Playland arcades off Times Square. “Oooh, Can I join in? I never play that game before!” Riiiight – so why is there a picture of you on the Credits Screen with a dedication “to my favorite grandson”? Nice try, Tetsuo!