THINGS I MISS: The old Playland arcades off Times Square. THINGS I DO NOT MISS: The Asian hustler kids who used to haunt the old Playland arcades off Times Square. “Oooh, Can I join in? I never play that game before!” Riiiight – so why is there a picture of you on the Credits Screen with a dedication “to my favorite grandson”? Nice try, Tetsuo!

Consider that EVERYTHING that human societies have ever been founded upon can be boiled down to one essential premise: “cuz some guy said so.”

Tony Stark walks into his lab, completely drunk off of his ass and climbs into his Iron Man suit. Unfortunately for Tony the suit has been implemented with a state mandated breathalyzer that he must pass before it will power up. Tony gives it a shot despite being four sheets to the wind, which subsequently “kills” the power to the suit completely as a result of him failing the breathalyzer horribly, thus stopping his heart and killing him dead.

From off camera comes Captain America. “Remember kids, Captain America doesn’t drink and drive and neither should you.” *muttering to himself* “Registration act my star spangled ass.”

This PSA brought to you by your friends at S.H.I.E.L.D

Before you read this: Please don’t judge me… I’m just sharing my story because people asked… Wow… okay, I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to tell anyone about this, but it’s late and I’m sleep deprived so i guess I’ll just write it now and regret it in the morning :/ First of all, – just for some background: My mom died right when I was born, (she was actually really, really hot- but this isn’t about her. I guess that’s fucked up to say, but whatever.) I actually grew up with my dad’s family, because my dad has all sorts of emotional issues and he bailed before I was born. So you can see, my childhood was really kind of messed up. Anyways, growing up I feel like there was always a lot of distance between me and my sister.

When I was about 17 or 18 I first noticed that my sister was a hottie. I don’t want to go into too many details about it, but basically what happened is that I accidentally found a video that she made of herself. I knew she didn’t make it for me- but I thought she was so fucking beautiful that I watched it twice. I probably would have watched it a hell of a lot more, except that like right around the time I found the video, all this crazy shit went down and I had to leave home. (My dad’s family who I was staying with got in bad trouble with the law. I never talk about it). Sooo… I was totally lusting after my sister at that point. She was also having bad trouble with the law. She was actually in custody when I left home. My friend and I went to go pick her up. When I saw her that day, after seeing the video, I have to be honest, I just wanted to fuck her brains out. Looking back on it now, it’s pretty messed up- but I think she had feelings for me too. She actually kissed me right after we came to get her… and it wasn’t a sisterly kiss, you know? I mean, it wasn’t like ridiculously sexual or anything, but it definitely wasn’t sisterly. After we left, we all went to crash with my Sister’s friends.

On the trip there, my friend sort of implied that he wanted to get with my Sister, and I got a little jealous. He’s a good looking guy- and even though she was my sister- I just felt like he was competition. Not much else happened between us for a while except some maybe-sexy hugging. Pretty much everyone in my life at that point was wanted by the government, so we all moved around a lot. I’m not saying that I’m proud of it or anything, but it was kind of an awesome time. My friend and my sister never hooked up I don’t think- but I thought there was some serious sexual tension going on between them. It was around that time that I got really badly hurt in an accident. It was fucked up. I almost died. But when I was in recovery my sister came to see me, and out of the clear blue sky she started gives me this awesome, slow, passionate kiss on the lips. Sadly (although, I guess for the best) nothing ever came of it. We spent some time apart… and I started to get really religious, so I tried not to think of her that way.

It was actually going well for a long time- like I was totally over her. But I have to say, like a year or so after all that stuff went down, we were out sailing (not like a date or anything romantic like that), and she was wearing like the hottest bikini I’ve ever fucking seen and it brought back all the old feelings. Sigh. A little while later she actually wound up with my friend from before (the sexual tension guy). I can’t say I was surprised.

But even after she was shacking up with my friend, there was one time we were at a party… my friend was inside, and my sister and I were outside alone. It was a really intimate moment. I think something might have happened, except that I killed the mood when I told her that Darth Vader was our father and that I had to go face him.

JEV: jeebus, there is an entire category on the app store front page right now called “best swinging game”
WanderingMonster: uh
WanderingMonster: wow
WanderingMonster: that category needs a WHOLE lot of context
WanderingMonster: cause… thats a whole different section of craigslist….

“Jimi Hendrix died in a pool of his own vomit. Do you know how much you have to puke before you fill a pool?”

- Bill Hicks.

A black man applying to join the Ku Klux Klan, and then suing them for discrimination when they say no.

So Julio the Class Clown leans over and asks me, “Does your mother hit you?” “What? No,” I answered. He smirks and says, “She hits you – I can tell…” I turned to him: “No, YOUR mother hits me. She needs to stop being so rough.” Silence. He turns away. “His mom’s dead,” Karen whispers over my shoulder.

I don’t know about anybody else, but it seems to me that a REAL “smart phone” would know how to treat this tumor it’s giving me.

As the sound and confusion continues to fade over “Going Rogue” (and its cover price continues to drop), people will realize that Sarah Palin isn’t the one with the story. BRISTOL is. At the center of Bristol’s story is the narrative of Everywoman, USA: “How a Boy and My Mother Fucked Up My Life.”